The Hoarding Issue and Grief

At a meeting of my professional group last week, we had a speaker who is a therapist dealing with grief. In the course of his dealings, he discovered that many cases of grief lead to hoarding. Since hoarding has become a topic for many TV and radio shows, I decided to offer you what I learned from this therapist, and in my own dealings with clients who hoard.

In the words of the therapist, grief makes you “crazy.” And, he said that grief is the “tax you pay for loving someone.” So, I guess, it stands to reason that the longer you have loved someone, the more “tax” you have to pay. I never quite thought of it like that, but it does make sense on a purely non-emotional basis. Having gone through several bouts of grief, I totally get the “crazy” part because that is exactly how I felt. It was as though someone had drugged me and I was constantly fighting to find a way out of it.

Grief also brings with it, “diminished capacity,” and that is where hoarding comes in. Since you have this diminished capacity while you navigate the waters of grieving, the things that you usually do are not done – cooking, cleaning, paying bills, keeping appointments, making appointments, and keeping up with your work at home or the office. There is a fog that surrounds you as you try to make sense of the normal everyday comings and goings of people around you. Do they not understand that someone just died?

The things we need in order to clear clutter and keep it at bay are no longer at our disposal. Focusing, concentrating and remembering are things of the past and not available to us in our current state of grief. The therapist stated that even asking for help is an “advanced process,” a process we aren’t quite ready for.

The therapist suggested that we create a “new normal.” That means that we might have to wait a year before we are ready to truly tackle all that has accumulated around us. For people prone to hoarding, this waiting makes the issue more difficult. How do you get rid of belongings when you don’t understand the value of the item; or you have a deep sentimental tie to it; or you are just plain afraid to let go of something. Sometimes donating items of the deceased is like getting rid of all memories of the person, (or relationship), who died.

On the other hand, getting rid of items immediately may be a way for someone to not face what actually has happened. If you don’t see their jacket, or their shoes, or their prized dining room table, then the death really didn’t happen. I experienced this within my own family. My sister had passed away after a very brief but ugly illness. Her son wanted everything gone – right now – because he didn’t want to look at it. At the time I didn’t understand what he was doing. I only knew that I was being pressured to rid her home of all belongings through any means possible. The problem was that I was walking through this fog at the same time! There were unpaid bills to deal with, Social Security to deal with, insurance companies to deal with, estate sales people to talk to, etc. It was extremely hard.

So when I work with hoarders now, I know that a trauma of some kind has become their constant companion. It could have been the death of a loved one, the end of a long-time relationship, or the putting up of barriers (literally) because they have been physically or emotionally (or both) scarred. When you see this condition in a friend, a neighbor, or a relative, tread lightly. You never know what is behind all of it. I only know it is NOT because they are lazy and don’t care about their surroundings. It is not easy to help them out of the situation, and a good therapist with a background in helping hoarders can make a big difference.

This is an emotional topic for many people. But the person who is hoarding is the one who is hurting the most. They need therapy and possibly medication to see them through. And, lots and lots of patience.


“Til next time . . . Coach Sheila of clutter STOP® Sheila@clutterstop.com, www.clutterstop.com.